Losing Hope & Discovering Truth

And so the existential crisis continues.

When I lost religion, I lost my reason to live. I found my purpose in my faith, which worked out fine, until I gave my faith away. I had been brought up to believe that I was a child of god and that my one true purpose was to worship him. For years and years, I felt comfortable knowing that I had a true purpose, that is, a purpose which was decided before I was born. It gave me a lot of comfort to know that someone outside of the world cared about me and cared about what I did with my life.

But after many hours of thought, I gave my faith away. What I didn't immediately realise was that I was giving my purpose away. My faith was my purpose, so to lose one was to lose the other. And initially, this didn't seem to bother me. I found all sorts of ways to fill the void, and they all worked for a time.

However, over time my attempts to cover up the hole that used to be my purpose started to fail. What once was enough to satisfy me was no longer capable. I started thinking about purpose once more, and started worrying when I realised that I didn't have one.

You see, for so long I had derived my purpose from my religion, which meant that I never had to create it myself. So when given the opportunity to do it my way, I naturally freaked. Of course, nothing bad happened. But I started to have these niggling thoughts which slowly eroded my confidence in myself and my well being. Rather than being able to live and enjoy life, I started wondering whether it was all worth it.

The ironic thing is, atheism doesn't give you one single reason to live. Being an atheist simply means you have no belief in any god or gods, and beyond that, you're on your own. But this made it hard, for I was used to finding purpose from what I believed about god, but now I could no longer do it.

I started getting depressed. I started thinking about life, and how in the end there was absolutely no reason to live. And I still think that. As far as atheism is concerned, I could kill myself and a hundred others without giving a damn. But that neither helps me nor anyone else.

Sure, I could mope about and pity myself, but that doesn't get me anywhere. And I realised that purpose was such a stupid idea. I realised that no one has any external purpose whatsoever. No one is born to be a certain person, and no one has a calling. So why do people feel 'called' to a certain profession or lifestyle? It's beyond me. All I know now is that that calling is something which they decide. And I know they might not have made the actual decision. What I mean is that in the end, someone's purpose or calling is completely and utterly up to them.

But if that's true, the word 'purpose' becomes somewhat devoid. Why? Because when we use words like purpose, we tend to suggest that there is some meaning in someone's life that came before birth and will last after death. But that's simply not true. If one is religious or spiritual, it may seem like it is. However in the end, what people do and who they become is simply a matter of choice. People choose to be enslaved. They choose to remain as they are and never grow. It's not because it's their purpose to be poor, or whatever they feel it is. Life has simply given them a plate with a bit of food on it, and they can either sit there and mope, or they can head to the buffet to create whatever meal they desire.

So if purpose is devoid, then what word do we use? Well, I think for convenience, we might as well keep using the word purpose. It suits a great many things just fine. But when it comes to contemplating our lives, we need to remember that life is what you make it. And instead of 'searching' for our purpose, we should simply do whatever we want to do, and be prepared to accept the consequences. Rather than believing that life is as it is and we can't change it, we should approach life like it's a drawing board, and create it.

Instead of purpose, we should talk about want. Life is about what we want. It's not our purpose or calling to be a rockstar, or a famous sportsperson, or an entrepreneur, or a nurse, or whatever else. But if it makes us happy, and we want to do it, then we should go ahead and do it. When I think of purpose, I think of a prison. If I have a certain purpose, then I've got to find that purpose or I'll never be happy. But if my purpose is simply what I make it, I'll have a much better time.

And as far as atheism goes, there is no such thing as a true purpose or true calling. We use the words for convenience, nothing more. So, from this point forward, rather than searching for some purpose, I will simply do what feels closest to my heart.

A Flawed Christianity?

I was just reading through some things I wrote down a while ago. This one was written in October 2007, so it was a while ago, and it explains a little about my gradual slide from Christianity. I thought it was interesting that I tried to hold onto it, almost as if I was trying to make it real by believing it, and that I gave it every chance to give me a revelation. But obviously, it failed. Anyway, here are some ramblings from almost 2 years ago.

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In my thinking I have been driven to question a great many things, one of them being my faith in God. I cannot stop, even now, to think. My mind will not leave the subject alone. All the time I am thinking of new ways that it cannot be real. The latest is an evolution on relative thinking.

It must be understood that I am no advocate of relative truth, as I believe it to be a silly proposition to make. To say that ‘relative truth exists’ in any meaningful way is to impose an absolute nature on it. Of course, things can be relative sometimes, such as my feelings, but not everything is relative. Much less than we would like to think, or it must at least be this way for God to be real.

Relative cannot exist; by logic it argues against itself.

With that in mind, I would like to point to something so common that we miss it. It is the idea of opinion, belief, value, or any other personal word you would like to use. When we say opinion, we often do not understand the full weight of the word. To say that someone has an opinion is to say that they believe something which is not necessarily true, that’s why it’s called an opinion.

We cannot escape this. Whenever something is said, understood or experienced, it is understood via the medium of opinion. And the funny thing is that opinions are relative to the individual. No one could seriously say that everyone is of the same opinion.

With this in mind, let us approach the mighty topic of God and ask a question, how do we know God?

Quickly the Christian jumps in to say, “oh by the bible”! Can you ever get more obvious than that?

But what is the bible? It’s a book written by a man. “No, God wrote it!” says the Captain Obvious Christian. Yes, I know. The bible is the inspired word of God. But just let me go for a minute here.

The bible is written by men; Moses, Paul, Matthew, Mark, Luke, John, etc. The simple fact is that men wrote it. Deal with it. Who collated it? Men. Who decided what went into it? Men. Who preserved it? Men. Who translated it? Men. Who publishes it? Men.

On and on and on. And before all you women get your knickers in a knot, I say men to mean humans, male and female.

It never really ends. It always comes back to men. Who reads the bible? Men. Who writes books about the bible? Men. Who taught men to read? Men. Who taught men to write? Men.

It’s frustrating, but the point is that it always comes back to men. Christians talk about listening to God’s testimony about man and not man’s testimony about man, but how in the world do we do that? Sure, the bible might be divinely inspired, but who’s reading it? If we are to have the correct understanding of God, then we must be inspired as we read it, AT LEAST TO SOME DEGREE.

So herein lies the flaw of Christianity. I cannot disprove the existence of God, indeed no one can. But I can show you the flaw of man. Even if God were real, we would still be lost, because we are all still mere men. We are all still figuring everything out on our own.

So to return to the idea about opinion, Christianity is nothing but another opinion. Prove me wrong. WITHOUT using your opinion.

Such a task is impossible, and of course, everything stated here is just another opinion. So why am I right? Well, to be honest, I don’t really think myself right. But think about it this way. God is an absolute. He must exist whether or not I have an opinion or not. Yet the only way you can give me God, is via an opinion, if not yours, then another man’s. And if you say it’s God’s, then I will tell you that it’s your opinion of what God said to you. Which basically reduces it to nothing, unless of course you’re divinely inspired. But who should say that? Because you can’t; it would just be another opinion of yours.

This is my opinion, you have yours. So what? Well, you will probably keep believing. It’s not necessarily a bad thing, it’s just something worth noticing. It’s worth understanding that the only way we know God, is via man. THERE IS NO OTHER WAY!

Unless God himself were to meet me. But how could I do anything with that experience if it were just my opinion of the experience?

God is not flawed, but Christianity is. Please tell me how I can know God without telling me your opinion.

There is no way. There is no option. It is perhaps a depressing thought, and I myself might be just on a rant. I may one day, sooner or later, return to my faith in God, for better or worse. I would hope that God is real and I find him, for my sake. I know that he is the greatest person I could know, but only if he is real. If he’s not then it’s just wishful thinking.

Although it’s sad if there is no God, it does not mean that we have to run from it. There is much sadness in this world, throughout the ages. It is a universal feeling and when it comes to us, we want to run from it. Just as the sad man who’s just divorced his wife knows that he has divorced his wife, I know that although it’s sad if God is not real, I must not run from it.

If God is real, then he is here, hearing me type and knowing my thoughts before even they come into my mind. He knows my heart and my strength. He sees the road I am going down and he sees my choices before I have made them. He hears my questioning, and perhaps he answers. He is not worried in the slightest, for he knows exactly how they will pan out. He knows the answers to all my questions and doubts, yet if he really is there, I’m having a hard time finding him.

I'm Facing an Existential Crisis

I don't believe in god. Great.

My atheism gives me freedom. It's liberating. It gives me the ability to investigate all claims equally. I'm not bound by 'faith' any longer. I'm not making choices based on an imaginary hell. I'm not afraid of making my own mind up.

What I'm realising though is that atheism does not give you a purpose. I'm sure all honest atheists have realised this at some point. If you were ever part of a religion, you'll understand me here. Religion gives you a purpose, however silly. Regardless of whether it is true or not, it gives you something to live for. And that something is better than nothing.

So am I turning back to god? Of course not! I'm merely remarking on the fact that atheism can never replace religion as a purpose for life. That much is known. Atheism is simply non-belief in god.

I was lying in bed last night with a killer tooth-ache. My tooth still hurts. It hurts real bad. Even after taking the strongest OTC painkillers I can find. But anyway, while I was lying in bed I started to think about life (I like to do it every now and then ;) ). And I started getting depressed because I no longer have anything to give me a purpose.

I play rock n' roll, I drink, I fuck, I do drugs, but in the end none of these things are satisfying me. Sure, I party hard and definitely don't go easy, but it's certainly not fulfilling me.

But I suppose it's better this way. In fact, I know it's better this way. Instead of turning to someone or something else for my purpose, I'm forced to find my own purpose. Whether this 'purpose' is something determined before birth or something we create, I don't care. All I want to do is find my purpose.

And that's why I'm facing an existential crisis.

You see, atheism is cold. It makes you realise that the world isn't on your side and that the universe doesn't care about you. The world doesn't give us a purpose. It doesn't set life up for us. It doesn't give us a goal. And it certainly doesn't care whether we live or die. The universe simply exists and we're here for no reason. That's the true atheist stance.

No one can argue otherwise without attaching some unfounded belief onto it. Atheism is non-belief in god and gives you not one single reason to live. It simply explains that you are not here because god made you and you are not here to achieve a given purpose.

But this doesn't mean that we give up, as much as I sometimes want to (such as right now). Our purpose comes from within us. There are plenty of successful atheists who have changed the world for the better, but that was in spite of their atheism.

So where do I go from now?

Do I give myself to hedonism and party my life away? I don't think so. But currently, that's all I'm doing. That and trying to put a band together. However, that's not satisfying me.

Some will say I'm just venting; that I'm just complaining rather than making the most of life. But the best lessons in life come from times like these. And I want to find this lesson.

Part of me wants to do the normal thing, ie - uni, job, marry, kids, retire and die. But that, to me, seems like the dumbest thing I can do. Life isn't about copying the template of others for life - life is about creating your own template! Does my atheism give me that? No! I give me that.

But what I'm facing now is an existential crisis because I've lost my reason for existence. I left church around 2 years ago, and it's taken 2 years to catch up with me. I've filled the void with sex, drugs, alcohol and so on, but they're not working anymore. And I have no idea where to go from here.

I have different ideas about what I want to do with my life. But I can't commit to any. At the moment I'm focusing on music. But for as long as I focus on music, I can't focus on a career. That's a personal choice, not one I'm forced to make. And for as long as I keep focusing on music, I'll keep partying.

I feel like I need to get away. I need to go somewhere. I need to go on a pilgrimage to go find myself and to find my purpose. When? No idea. Where? No idea.

But I know that I need to do something to find my purpose. I have no idea what it is but I hope I find it before it's too late.

Another thought on evil...

Imagine a person who is the nicest person in the world. This dude isn't a pushover, rather he's the nicest person in the world because he always helps people. He's always putting people before him, and at any opportunity will help someone with a problem, relieve their pain, listen to them talk and basically anything they need.

This person would probably have a profound effect on people. Sure, they wouldn't rid the world of evil, but they would definitely make a lot of difference. He would give anything to cure the world of all the evil in it, only problem is, he doesn't have the power.

But imagine if he had the power. Oh boy. Goodbye aids. Goodbye earthquakes. Goodbye murder, rape, tsunamis, nuclear weapons, and so on. He would purge the world of all evil, and would do it without hurting one single person. How would he get rid of terrorists without killing them? Well, I'm not really sure, but this person would be all-powerful, so could certainly get rid of the evil they do without doing evil to them.

Imagine what this person could achieve. We'd have an evil-free world. Great. What was the recipe? The will to help others, and omnipotence (all-powerful).

Hang on a second. Isn't this meant to be what God is? At least the Christian God?

He's all-powerful. And, they say he has the will to save the world. Or at least wasn't that why Jesus died? But Jesus didn't have to die. Don't tell me he did. God IS all-powerful, so God wasn't bound by any law. He didn't have to obey any law. If he wanted to, he could have saved the world without his son having to die.

As it is, we're told his son has died. And all these good things promised are awaiting the holy Christians in heaven. But what about now?

God has both the will to save us, and the means, yet nothing. He could rid the world of evil with just a single thought. He wouldn't have to raise a finger. He'd simply think it and it would be done. Because remember, he's perfect. And one must be perfectly powerful (read... all-powerful) to be perfect.

So the question remains, why is evil still here? Any moderately good human would destroy evil if they had the means, but the perfect God so many follow?

And people say he's good...

He's either not good, or he has some other reason for letting the evil remain. But what other reason? Sin? But that's not fair. Since he created us, gave us free will, knew the exact outcome and consequence of our actions and his actions, then put the tree in the garden, thereby giving humans the opportunity to sin! So sin finds its origins in God. So the idea that he's punishing us is a joke.

I sense this a stupid, doomed to-the-bin question, but I'll ask it anyway. Does anyone have a better explanation of evil?

The Problem of Evil

When I was a Christian, I used to ignore the problem of evil. And though I never had a concrete answer as to why there was evil, I nevertheless continued believing for many years regardless. Sure, there was evil, but even if I don't know why it's here, surely God must! Or so I thought. Every now and then I'd ask the question "If God created everything, then did he create evil?". But if that was true, then how could God be good? Despite lacking an intelligent answer, I believed in God for many more years.

But since turning to atheism, or more accurately, non-belief, I've been able to have a better look at evil. Where as I used to ask questions only in so far as they did not change my belief in God, now I can look at things and not be worried about what effect they might have on my beliefs. I'm more interested in making intelligent, reasonable observations then using faith to support a worldview. so if anyone has any advice, criticism to make of me, feel free.

Anyway, back to evil. Now when I look at evil, I see something completely incompatible with an all-loving God. With the amount of evil in the world, how can one believe in a benevolent God? Especially an all-powerful one? A much better man called Epicurus summed this up nicely.

"Is god willing to prevent evil, but not able? Then he is not omnipotent. Is he able, but not willing? Then he is malevolent. Is he both able and willing? Then whence cometh evil? Is he neither able nor willing? Then why call him god?

Epicurus

The above quote highlights all logical possibilities regarding the presence of evil and a God. Reality simply doesn't add up. Christians believe that God is omnipotent (all-powerful) and all-loving, while seeing evil everyday. If God is all-powerful and all-loving, then where did evil come from? Surely, most Christians would say that God is willing that evil should be gone, and that he has the power to get rid of it, but if that's true, then why does it linger on?

What perfect, all-loving God would let any evil remain in the world if he had both the will and the power to destroy it forever? What perfect, all-loving God would create humans with the capacity not only to murder each other, but also with the capacity to develop weapons of mass destruction and terrible methods of torture?

Some will say that evil remains only because God lets it, but why would he let it remain if he had the power to remove it?

Even if we go back to the beginning of the bible into the garden of Eden, it still doesn't add up. God seriously fucked up. Here he is, creating the world in all it's glory in JUST 7 DAYS! He made it good and saw that it was good. He created man and gave him dominion over all the animals. Oh man, this God was the best. No one could outsmart him. No one could foresee more than him. No one was more powerful than he.

Adam and Eve are hanging out in the garden, having the time of their lives (well it's their first day isn't it...), naming the animals, when God gives them one rule. JUST ONE RULE! The rule was, don't eat from tree in the middle of the garden for you will surely die.

OK STOP.

Why the fuck did he put the tree there in the first place? Excuse the language, but wouldn't a God of supreme attributes know better? I mean, even I would know not to put a tree in the garden of Eden if I knew it would kill someone I'd created. But God, in his divine excellence, not only put the tree there, but he put it there with full knowledge that Adam and Eve would eat from it. You'd think he was trying to set them up, you know, frame them. And what do you know... they eat it, God gets mad, kicks them out of the garden, and eventually they die. Couldn't God have solved all the problems of the last 6000 years (well we are talking Genesis...), by simply not putting the tree in the garden? He would have been able to let humans go on living blissfully free, completely unaware of good and evil... but no, he created man in his own image, gave him a rule, gave him exactly what he needed to break that rule, cursed man, and now we get blamed for it? Give me a break.

An all-loving, all-powerful God is a logical impossibility. It is completely in contradiction to reality. I can't believe it took me so long to understand this. I'm open to a good explanation of why God put evil in the world, but please, tell me something I haven't heard before.

Christianity and the 'Thousands' of 'Proofs'

I think it's funny that when talking about Christianity, a Christian will start to go on and on about the proofs of God's existence, whether it be the complexity within nature, an innate desire for god, morality, and so on. Sure, all these things can be used to argue for a supreme being's existence, but the God of Christianity? Not one single bit.

Let's back up a little. This only occurred to me recently, but it's been on my mind ever since. I got talking with a Christian and made the mistake of claiming God cannot exist, after which he asked me to back up my claim. Fair enough - if I make any claim, I should be able to back it up. But that's another idea for another time. Back to the topic...

When talking about Christianity, or any specific religion, there are very few arguments for it's existence, yet so many of it's adherents will list countless arguments. Say where talking about Christianity, a Christian being a person who believes the Jesus is "the way, the truth and the life" and who believes in the bible as the inspired word of God. There are only two arguments. Yep, that's it - the bible and Jesus.

For the Christian God to be real, Jesus must have lived, died, and rose, and the bible must have been the word of god. If either of these two things is not true, then it follows that Christianity is not true.

Any other argument for God's existence is simply an argument for the existence of A God. It says nothing about the identity of this God. Take the first cause argument. Everything that exists must have a cause. The universe exists. Therefore, God exists as the un-caused first cause of the universe. Even if we accept this argument as valid, all we have proven is that God exists. Which God? No idea. This argument, and many others like it only argue that God exists. What many Christians fail to realise is that they cannot use these arguments to back up their belief in the Christian God, because these arguments prove nothing about the identity of the God. Sure, it's all well and good to accept that God exists. The problem arises when we start trying to assign names or identities to it.

This applies to any religion with the belief in a God. The specific religion believes in a God with an identity, but almost all arguments for God's existence only postulate his existence, and not his identity.

So next time a Christian (or any theist for that matter) starts rattling of proofs of God's existence, remind him that the only two that count in his case, are proofs for the bible as the divine word of God, and proofs of Jesus life, death and ressurection. The silly thing is that these two proofs are tied together. What book beside the bible testifies to Jesus existence? I know of none, but feel free to let me know.

What this also means is that if there is proof that the bible is inconsistent, shows signs of human interference, or has any defects, it is likely that it is not the word of God and therefore the Christian God does not exist. Same with Jesus - if there is no substantial proof that he lived, died and rose then he certainly was not God.

Of course, no one can prove that Jesus does not exist, as it's impossible to prove that something doesn't exist. But we can make a rational assessment of the facts at hand and decide with intelligence whether it is reasonable to believe in his existence. There are countless sites and YouTube videos about this subject, so I won't go into it.

I for one, do not believe there is any good reason to believe in Jesus (at the very least, his resurrection), and nor the bible.

Another reason why I don't believe in God.

The Bible and Matters of Divine Inspiration

I was brought up in a Christian family and was taught to believe the bible was the word of God - divinely inspired. For years, I took it on faith, never once doubting that this best-seller which has been translated into more than 2,000 languages might not be the word of God. I mean, if we read it every day, surely it must be special. On my more disciplined days I would wake early, read my bible, study it and pray. Sometimes I would manage to do it every day for a few weeks. Or sometimes I would go without for a few weeks. Everyone else at church read it, we sang songs based on it, we prayed using it, and to at least some of our ability, made the foolish attempt to live our lives by it.

Foolish? Yes! Not just because it was a standard to which no one can achieve, nor that it is misused, misrepresented and used for some of the greatest evils in this world, but because I don't believe it's inspired. Don't get me wrong, it's an amazing book. But why should it be divinely inspired? What gives anyone any right to say that the bible is inspired?

Let's look at it's basic history of around 6,000 years.

The Old Testament was written by Moses and a bunch of prophets and then believed by the Jews to be their holy book. Then when Jesus rocked up, along came the New Testament with it's new group of human authors such as the disciples.

So the bible started as a book written by men. Then over the next 2,000 years it was preserved by men, translated by men, published by men, bought by men and read by men. I'm no scholar but somewhere during it's history a council of men came together to decide which books would be in the final canon or bible.

It doesn't take an idiot to recognise the large part man has played in the bible's history. At what point did God step in? Did he inspire it from the beginning? Or did he jump in as they were translating it? And if the original authors (Moses, David, Daniel, etc) can be deemed 'inspired by God', why shouldn't any author today have the same thing said about them?

I have read plenty of books about the bible, or about God, or about Christianity, and they were all written by men and women who have read the bible and formed an opinion. But when I read it, I'm just another person forming another opinion. So what I understand from the bible is just as invalid as any Christian book I've read, or any Christian I've ever met. I mean, where does it ever end?

Have you ever had someone tell you not to rely on Christian books, just to rely on the bible? I know I have. Plenty of times. But I haven't even been to bible college. I haven't even studied religion formally anywhere. So why would my opinion of what I read in the bible be any help whatsoever?

Those Christian books that I have read, they're not 'inspired by God' some say. Read the bible instead. But it's all the same thing. It all arrives at the same basic point - not one person, dead of alive, has the authority to deem something 'inspired by God'.

This is why I don't believe in God. I could call myself an atheist, but I think they've got their own problems, so for now, with all my problems, I'll call myself an agnostic.

But isn't Christianity a personal experience? Isn't each person to read the bible and find out what God is saying to them? Shouldn't I be humble and read the bible, listening for the 'still, small voice of God'?

No! Christianity is personal, but to tell someone to go to the bible and find out what God is saying to them is the beginnings of heresy. There has to be some sort of standard to judge if what one person says he has learned about the bible is true. So you compare it to the bible to the whole, not for once remembering that the bible has been used to justify great evil throughout the history of mankind.

But oh, this case is different. You're doing it how it's meant to be done. You can show how the other guys, the 'bad guys' were wrong.

But I think they can show you were wrong. And anyone can show anyone is wrong.

Enter my agnosticism. Now you know why I don't believe in God.