Losing Hope & Discovering Truth

And so the existential crisis continues.

When I lost religion, I lost my reason to live. I found my purpose in my faith, which worked out fine, until I gave my faith away. I had been brought up to believe that I was a child of god and that my one true purpose was to worship him. For years and years, I felt comfortable knowing that I had a true purpose, that is, a purpose which was decided before I was born. It gave me a lot of comfort to know that someone outside of the world cared about me and cared about what I did with my life.

But after many hours of thought, I gave my faith away. What I didn't immediately realise was that I was giving my purpose away. My faith was my purpose, so to lose one was to lose the other. And initially, this didn't seem to bother me. I found all sorts of ways to fill the void, and they all worked for a time.

However, over time my attempts to cover up the hole that used to be my purpose started to fail. What once was enough to satisfy me was no longer capable. I started thinking about purpose once more, and started worrying when I realised that I didn't have one.

You see, for so long I had derived my purpose from my religion, which meant that I never had to create it myself. So when given the opportunity to do it my way, I naturally freaked. Of course, nothing bad happened. But I started to have these niggling thoughts which slowly eroded my confidence in myself and my well being. Rather than being able to live and enjoy life, I started wondering whether it was all worth it.

The ironic thing is, atheism doesn't give you one single reason to live. Being an atheist simply means you have no belief in any god or gods, and beyond that, you're on your own. But this made it hard, for I was used to finding purpose from what I believed about god, but now I could no longer do it.

I started getting depressed. I started thinking about life, and how in the end there was absolutely no reason to live. And I still think that. As far as atheism is concerned, I could kill myself and a hundred others without giving a damn. But that neither helps me nor anyone else.

Sure, I could mope about and pity myself, but that doesn't get me anywhere. And I realised that purpose was such a stupid idea. I realised that no one has any external purpose whatsoever. No one is born to be a certain person, and no one has a calling. So why do people feel 'called' to a certain profession or lifestyle? It's beyond me. All I know now is that that calling is something which they decide. And I know they might not have made the actual decision. What I mean is that in the end, someone's purpose or calling is completely and utterly up to them.

But if that's true, the word 'purpose' becomes somewhat devoid. Why? Because when we use words like purpose, we tend to suggest that there is some meaning in someone's life that came before birth and will last after death. But that's simply not true. If one is religious or spiritual, it may seem like it is. However in the end, what people do and who they become is simply a matter of choice. People choose to be enslaved. They choose to remain as they are and never grow. It's not because it's their purpose to be poor, or whatever they feel it is. Life has simply given them a plate with a bit of food on it, and they can either sit there and mope, or they can head to the buffet to create whatever meal they desire.

So if purpose is devoid, then what word do we use? Well, I think for convenience, we might as well keep using the word purpose. It suits a great many things just fine. But when it comes to contemplating our lives, we need to remember that life is what you make it. And instead of 'searching' for our purpose, we should simply do whatever we want to do, and be prepared to accept the consequences. Rather than believing that life is as it is and we can't change it, we should approach life like it's a drawing board, and create it.

Instead of purpose, we should talk about want. Life is about what we want. It's not our purpose or calling to be a rockstar, or a famous sportsperson, or an entrepreneur, or a nurse, or whatever else. But if it makes us happy, and we want to do it, then we should go ahead and do it. When I think of purpose, I think of a prison. If I have a certain purpose, then I've got to find that purpose or I'll never be happy. But if my purpose is simply what I make it, I'll have a much better time.

And as far as atheism goes, there is no such thing as a true purpose or true calling. We use the words for convenience, nothing more. So, from this point forward, rather than searching for some purpose, I will simply do what feels closest to my heart.

A Flawed Christianity?

I was just reading through some things I wrote down a while ago. This one was written in October 2007, so it was a while ago, and it explains a little about my gradual slide from Christianity. I thought it was interesting that I tried to hold onto it, almost as if I was trying to make it real by believing it, and that I gave it every chance to give me a revelation. But obviously, it failed. Anyway, here are some ramblings from almost 2 years ago.

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In my thinking I have been driven to question a great many things, one of them being my faith in God. I cannot stop, even now, to think. My mind will not leave the subject alone. All the time I am thinking of new ways that it cannot be real. The latest is an evolution on relative thinking.

It must be understood that I am no advocate of relative truth, as I believe it to be a silly proposition to make. To say that ‘relative truth exists’ in any meaningful way is to impose an absolute nature on it. Of course, things can be relative sometimes, such as my feelings, but not everything is relative. Much less than we would like to think, or it must at least be this way for God to be real.

Relative cannot exist; by logic it argues against itself.

With that in mind, I would like to point to something so common that we miss it. It is the idea of opinion, belief, value, or any other personal word you would like to use. When we say opinion, we often do not understand the full weight of the word. To say that someone has an opinion is to say that they believe something which is not necessarily true, that’s why it’s called an opinion.

We cannot escape this. Whenever something is said, understood or experienced, it is understood via the medium of opinion. And the funny thing is that opinions are relative to the individual. No one could seriously say that everyone is of the same opinion.

With this in mind, let us approach the mighty topic of God and ask a question, how do we know God?

Quickly the Christian jumps in to say, “oh by the bible”! Can you ever get more obvious than that?

But what is the bible? It’s a book written by a man. “No, God wrote it!” says the Captain Obvious Christian. Yes, I know. The bible is the inspired word of God. But just let me go for a minute here.

The bible is written by men; Moses, Paul, Matthew, Mark, Luke, John, etc. The simple fact is that men wrote it. Deal with it. Who collated it? Men. Who decided what went into it? Men. Who preserved it? Men. Who translated it? Men. Who publishes it? Men.

On and on and on. And before all you women get your knickers in a knot, I say men to mean humans, male and female.

It never really ends. It always comes back to men. Who reads the bible? Men. Who writes books about the bible? Men. Who taught men to read? Men. Who taught men to write? Men.

It’s frustrating, but the point is that it always comes back to men. Christians talk about listening to God’s testimony about man and not man’s testimony about man, but how in the world do we do that? Sure, the bible might be divinely inspired, but who’s reading it? If we are to have the correct understanding of God, then we must be inspired as we read it, AT LEAST TO SOME DEGREE.

So herein lies the flaw of Christianity. I cannot disprove the existence of God, indeed no one can. But I can show you the flaw of man. Even if God were real, we would still be lost, because we are all still mere men. We are all still figuring everything out on our own.

So to return to the idea about opinion, Christianity is nothing but another opinion. Prove me wrong. WITHOUT using your opinion.

Such a task is impossible, and of course, everything stated here is just another opinion. So why am I right? Well, to be honest, I don’t really think myself right. But think about it this way. God is an absolute. He must exist whether or not I have an opinion or not. Yet the only way you can give me God, is via an opinion, if not yours, then another man’s. And if you say it’s God’s, then I will tell you that it’s your opinion of what God said to you. Which basically reduces it to nothing, unless of course you’re divinely inspired. But who should say that? Because you can’t; it would just be another opinion of yours.

This is my opinion, you have yours. So what? Well, you will probably keep believing. It’s not necessarily a bad thing, it’s just something worth noticing. It’s worth understanding that the only way we know God, is via man. THERE IS NO OTHER WAY!

Unless God himself were to meet me. But how could I do anything with that experience if it were just my opinion of the experience?

God is not flawed, but Christianity is. Please tell me how I can know God without telling me your opinion.

There is no way. There is no option. It is perhaps a depressing thought, and I myself might be just on a rant. I may one day, sooner or later, return to my faith in God, for better or worse. I would hope that God is real and I find him, for my sake. I know that he is the greatest person I could know, but only if he is real. If he’s not then it’s just wishful thinking.

Although it’s sad if there is no God, it does not mean that we have to run from it. There is much sadness in this world, throughout the ages. It is a universal feeling and when it comes to us, we want to run from it. Just as the sad man who’s just divorced his wife knows that he has divorced his wife, I know that although it’s sad if God is not real, I must not run from it.

If God is real, then he is here, hearing me type and knowing my thoughts before even they come into my mind. He knows my heart and my strength. He sees the road I am going down and he sees my choices before I have made them. He hears my questioning, and perhaps he answers. He is not worried in the slightest, for he knows exactly how they will pan out. He knows the answers to all my questions and doubts, yet if he really is there, I’m having a hard time finding him.

I'm Facing an Existential Crisis

I don't believe in god. Great.

My atheism gives me freedom. It's liberating. It gives me the ability to investigate all claims equally. I'm not bound by 'faith' any longer. I'm not making choices based on an imaginary hell. I'm not afraid of making my own mind up.

What I'm realising though is that atheism does not give you a purpose. I'm sure all honest atheists have realised this at some point. If you were ever part of a religion, you'll understand me here. Religion gives you a purpose, however silly. Regardless of whether it is true or not, it gives you something to live for. And that something is better than nothing.

So am I turning back to god? Of course not! I'm merely remarking on the fact that atheism can never replace religion as a purpose for life. That much is known. Atheism is simply non-belief in god.

I was lying in bed last night with a killer tooth-ache. My tooth still hurts. It hurts real bad. Even after taking the strongest OTC painkillers I can find. But anyway, while I was lying in bed I started to think about life (I like to do it every now and then ;) ). And I started getting depressed because I no longer have anything to give me a purpose.

I play rock n' roll, I drink, I fuck, I do drugs, but in the end none of these things are satisfying me. Sure, I party hard and definitely don't go easy, but it's certainly not fulfilling me.

But I suppose it's better this way. In fact, I know it's better this way. Instead of turning to someone or something else for my purpose, I'm forced to find my own purpose. Whether this 'purpose' is something determined before birth or something we create, I don't care. All I want to do is find my purpose.

And that's why I'm facing an existential crisis.

You see, atheism is cold. It makes you realise that the world isn't on your side and that the universe doesn't care about you. The world doesn't give us a purpose. It doesn't set life up for us. It doesn't give us a goal. And it certainly doesn't care whether we live or die. The universe simply exists and we're here for no reason. That's the true atheist stance.

No one can argue otherwise without attaching some unfounded belief onto it. Atheism is non-belief in god and gives you not one single reason to live. It simply explains that you are not here because god made you and you are not here to achieve a given purpose.

But this doesn't mean that we give up, as much as I sometimes want to (such as right now). Our purpose comes from within us. There are plenty of successful atheists who have changed the world for the better, but that was in spite of their atheism.

So where do I go from now?

Do I give myself to hedonism and party my life away? I don't think so. But currently, that's all I'm doing. That and trying to put a band together. However, that's not satisfying me.

Some will say I'm just venting; that I'm just complaining rather than making the most of life. But the best lessons in life come from times like these. And I want to find this lesson.

Part of me wants to do the normal thing, ie - uni, job, marry, kids, retire and die. But that, to me, seems like the dumbest thing I can do. Life isn't about copying the template of others for life - life is about creating your own template! Does my atheism give me that? No! I give me that.

But what I'm facing now is an existential crisis because I've lost my reason for existence. I left church around 2 years ago, and it's taken 2 years to catch up with me. I've filled the void with sex, drugs, alcohol and so on, but they're not working anymore. And I have no idea where to go from here.

I have different ideas about what I want to do with my life. But I can't commit to any. At the moment I'm focusing on music. But for as long as I focus on music, I can't focus on a career. That's a personal choice, not one I'm forced to make. And for as long as I keep focusing on music, I'll keep partying.

I feel like I need to get away. I need to go somewhere. I need to go on a pilgrimage to go find myself and to find my purpose. When? No idea. Where? No idea.

But I know that I need to do something to find my purpose. I have no idea what it is but I hope I find it before it's too late.