I'm Facing an Existential Crisis

I don't believe in god. Great.

My atheism gives me freedom. It's liberating. It gives me the ability to investigate all claims equally. I'm not bound by 'faith' any longer. I'm not making choices based on an imaginary hell. I'm not afraid of making my own mind up.

What I'm realising though is that atheism does not give you a purpose. I'm sure all honest atheists have realised this at some point. If you were ever part of a religion, you'll understand me here. Religion gives you a purpose, however silly. Regardless of whether it is true or not, it gives you something to live for. And that something is better than nothing.

So am I turning back to god? Of course not! I'm merely remarking on the fact that atheism can never replace religion as a purpose for life. That much is known. Atheism is simply non-belief in god.

I was lying in bed last night with a killer tooth-ache. My tooth still hurts. It hurts real bad. Even after taking the strongest OTC painkillers I can find. But anyway, while I was lying in bed I started to think about life (I like to do it every now and then ;) ). And I started getting depressed because I no longer have anything to give me a purpose.

I play rock n' roll, I drink, I fuck, I do drugs, but in the end none of these things are satisfying me. Sure, I party hard and definitely don't go easy, but it's certainly not fulfilling me.

But I suppose it's better this way. In fact, I know it's better this way. Instead of turning to someone or something else for my purpose, I'm forced to find my own purpose. Whether this 'purpose' is something determined before birth or something we create, I don't care. All I want to do is find my purpose.

And that's why I'm facing an existential crisis.

You see, atheism is cold. It makes you realise that the world isn't on your side and that the universe doesn't care about you. The world doesn't give us a purpose. It doesn't set life up for us. It doesn't give us a goal. And it certainly doesn't care whether we live or die. The universe simply exists and we're here for no reason. That's the true atheist stance.

No one can argue otherwise without attaching some unfounded belief onto it. Atheism is non-belief in god and gives you not one single reason to live. It simply explains that you are not here because god made you and you are not here to achieve a given purpose.

But this doesn't mean that we give up, as much as I sometimes want to (such as right now). Our purpose comes from within us. There are plenty of successful atheists who have changed the world for the better, but that was in spite of their atheism.

So where do I go from now?

Do I give myself to hedonism and party my life away? I don't think so. But currently, that's all I'm doing. That and trying to put a band together. However, that's not satisfying me.

Some will say I'm just venting; that I'm just complaining rather than making the most of life. But the best lessons in life come from times like these. And I want to find this lesson.

Part of me wants to do the normal thing, ie - uni, job, marry, kids, retire and die. But that, to me, seems like the dumbest thing I can do. Life isn't about copying the template of others for life - life is about creating your own template! Does my atheism give me that? No! I give me that.

But what I'm facing now is an existential crisis because I've lost my reason for existence. I left church around 2 years ago, and it's taken 2 years to catch up with me. I've filled the void with sex, drugs, alcohol and so on, but they're not working anymore. And I have no idea where to go from here.

I have different ideas about what I want to do with my life. But I can't commit to any. At the moment I'm focusing on music. But for as long as I focus on music, I can't focus on a career. That's a personal choice, not one I'm forced to make. And for as long as I keep focusing on music, I'll keep partying.

I feel like I need to get away. I need to go somewhere. I need to go on a pilgrimage to go find myself and to find my purpose. When? No idea. Where? No idea.

But I know that I need to do something to find my purpose. I have no idea what it is but I hope I find it before it's too late.