Losing Hope & Discovering Truth

And so the existential crisis continues.

When I lost religion, I lost my reason to live. I found my purpose in my faith, which worked out fine, until I gave my faith away. I had been brought up to believe that I was a child of god and that my one true purpose was to worship him. For years and years, I felt comfortable knowing that I had a true purpose, that is, a purpose which was decided before I was born. It gave me a lot of comfort to know that someone outside of the world cared about me and cared about what I did with my life.

But after many hours of thought, I gave my faith away. What I didn't immediately realise was that I was giving my purpose away. My faith was my purpose, so to lose one was to lose the other. And initially, this didn't seem to bother me. I found all sorts of ways to fill the void, and they all worked for a time.

However, over time my attempts to cover up the hole that used to be my purpose started to fail. What once was enough to satisfy me was no longer capable. I started thinking about purpose once more, and started worrying when I realised that I didn't have one.

You see, for so long I had derived my purpose from my religion, which meant that I never had to create it myself. So when given the opportunity to do it my way, I naturally freaked. Of course, nothing bad happened. But I started to have these niggling thoughts which slowly eroded my confidence in myself and my well being. Rather than being able to live and enjoy life, I started wondering whether it was all worth it.

The ironic thing is, atheism doesn't give you one single reason to live. Being an atheist simply means you have no belief in any god or gods, and beyond that, you're on your own. But this made it hard, for I was used to finding purpose from what I believed about god, but now I could no longer do it.

I started getting depressed. I started thinking about life, and how in the end there was absolutely no reason to live. And I still think that. As far as atheism is concerned, I could kill myself and a hundred others without giving a damn. But that neither helps me nor anyone else.

Sure, I could mope about and pity myself, but that doesn't get me anywhere. And I realised that purpose was such a stupid idea. I realised that no one has any external purpose whatsoever. No one is born to be a certain person, and no one has a calling. So why do people feel 'called' to a certain profession or lifestyle? It's beyond me. All I know now is that that calling is something which they decide. And I know they might not have made the actual decision. What I mean is that in the end, someone's purpose or calling is completely and utterly up to them.

But if that's true, the word 'purpose' becomes somewhat devoid. Why? Because when we use words like purpose, we tend to suggest that there is some meaning in someone's life that came before birth and will last after death. But that's simply not true. If one is religious or spiritual, it may seem like it is. However in the end, what people do and who they become is simply a matter of choice. People choose to be enslaved. They choose to remain as they are and never grow. It's not because it's their purpose to be poor, or whatever they feel it is. Life has simply given them a plate with a bit of food on it, and they can either sit there and mope, or they can head to the buffet to create whatever meal they desire.

So if purpose is devoid, then what word do we use? Well, I think for convenience, we might as well keep using the word purpose. It suits a great many things just fine. But when it comes to contemplating our lives, we need to remember that life is what you make it. And instead of 'searching' for our purpose, we should simply do whatever we want to do, and be prepared to accept the consequences. Rather than believing that life is as it is and we can't change it, we should approach life like it's a drawing board, and create it.

Instead of purpose, we should talk about want. Life is about what we want. It's not our purpose or calling to be a rockstar, or a famous sportsperson, or an entrepreneur, or a nurse, or whatever else. But if it makes us happy, and we want to do it, then we should go ahead and do it. When I think of purpose, I think of a prison. If I have a certain purpose, then I've got to find that purpose or I'll never be happy. But if my purpose is simply what I make it, I'll have a much better time.

And as far as atheism goes, there is no such thing as a true purpose or true calling. We use the words for convenience, nothing more. So, from this point forward, rather than searching for some purpose, I will simply do what feels closest to my heart.